I still mother them….

It’s Tuesday and the questions have already started.“What are you doing for Mother’s Day?”“What do you want?”

And I sit there thinking… how do you even answer that when your children are dead?What does “mother” look like?

Do I still say I have two?

Do I say I had two?

Do I tell the truth in that moment and watch it hit them… that stunned, searching look, like they wish they could rewind the question and ask anything else?

Some days I answer honestly.Some days I don’t have the energy to carry their reaction too.

My own mom has been gone for 36 years. So where does that leave me on a day like that?

Am I celebrating her? Am I grieving my kids? Am I both at the same time? Do I stay in bed and cocoon myself away from all of it? Do I go out and smile and make the best of it for everyone else? Is there even a right answer? Because the truth is… the world doesn’t stop.The ads keep coming.The flowers, the brunch reservations, the “don’t forget Mom” reminders everywhere you turn.And I want to scream sometimes… my kids aren’t here.They’re not calling.They’re not showing up.And yet the world just keeps going like it’s any other Sunday.

What do I want for Mother’s Day?I want one day where I don’t have to say the words “my kids are dead.”I want one day where it doesn’t feel like everything is missing at the same time. I want the quiet kind of remembering.The kind that doesn’t come with expectations or questions or forced celebration.

I don’t have a neat answer.I don’t think there is one.I just know this… I am still their mother.Even now.Even like this.