I still mother them….

I have been trying really hard this week to find things to be grateful for.

And today it hit me.

Maybe I need to stop trying so damn hard to find them.

Because they are everywhere.

The last few days have been a lot.

We traveled through Connecticut. We drove along the water. We ate lobster that had literally been caught that morning while sitting right there on the dock. I collected shells. We watched sunsets. And yes, we went to the PEZ factory and I probably enjoyed that way more than I should have. 😂

But I also carried my babies with me.

I left some of Vincent and Gabriella’s ashes under this huge, beautiful oak tree at Gillette Castle. I left some in the sand by the water.

I don’t really know how to explain what that feels like.

Sad. Peaceful. Beautiful. Completely fucked up that this is something I even have to do.

Probably all of it.

Then came Vincent’s birthday.

Chicken and dumplings.

That was his thing.

Nothing fancy. Just chicken and dumplings at home.

Funny how those little things become the things you would give absolutely anything to have back.

And this birthday was different because the person who always missed him with me isn’t here anymore either.

Both of my kids are gone.

I can type those words. I can say those words.

I still don’t understand those words.

And then today I went back to one of my favorite places.

For four years I have gone there once a week as a guest speaker. I go there thinking maybe I can give these guys something, and every damn week I think I leave there with more than I brought in.

They recharge my battery.

They make me laugh.

They give me shit.

They let me be me.

And it is also where we have our Face the Facts meetings.

When I first asked Brandon if we could have our meetings there, I didn’t know what he was going to say.

I barely got the question out.

“Absofuckinglutely.”

😂😂😂

That was it.

And honestly, that one word tells you pretty much everything you need to know.

There was room.

Bring your people.

Bring your ideas.

Bring the weird stuff.

Bring the stuff nobody else knows what to do with.

Come on in.

Today, in that same place, I got to meet a young man who has traveled across the country with a message that could not be any simpler:

YOU MATTER.

Two words.

That’s it.

But sometimes two words are exactly what somebody needs to hear.

Then one of the guys came walking in wearing an overdose awareness shirt with matching shoes.

And he told me he wore them because he knew I was coming.

Well, shit.

That got me.

I wanted to cry, but there was no way in hell I was giving these guys that kind of ammunition because I would never hear the end of it. 😂💜

But I was touched.

Really touched.

Because he thought about me.

He knows what overdose awareness means to me. He knows why I keep showing up. He knows the people I carry with me when I walk into that room.

So he wore the shirt.

For me.

And sitting there today, listening to everybody laugh, I realized I had been looking for gratitude all week and it had been smacking me in the face the whole damn time.

It’s lobster on a dock.

It’s shells in my pocket.

It’s a sunset.

It’s acting like a five-year-old at the PEZ factory.

It’s chicken and dumplings.

It’s an oak tree holding a little piece of my babies.

It’s a guy putting on an overdose awareness shirt and matching shoes because he knows I’m coming.

It’s somebody driving across this country telling people they matter.

It’s Brandon answering “absofuckinglutely” when I asked if there was room for us.

And maybe that is why the GaB C JOEY Fund feels so damn important to me right now.

GaB — Girls and Boys.
C — Chance.
JOEY — Just One Extra YES.

It was created in memory of my daughter Gabriella Tambourelli and Joseph Prouse, two parents who died way too soon.

There are kids left behind who have to figure out how to grow up with somebody missing.

We can’t fix that.

Believe me, if love could fix that kind of loss, I would have fixed it a long time ago.

But we can show up.

We can give a kid a chance.

We can say yes to the field trip.

Yes to the registration fee.

Yes to the experience.

Yes, you can go.

Yes, you can participate.

Yes, you get to just be a kid today.

Sometimes it doesn’t take some huge grand gesture.

Sometimes it takes Just One Extra YES.

And maybe that is what I needed to be reminded of this week too.

Life can be absolutely fucking brutal.

And beautiful.

Sometimes in the same damn day.

I miss Vincent.

I miss Gabriella.

I will miss them every single day for the rest of my life.

But I am still here.

And I am surrounded by people who make me laugh. People who show up. People who remember. People who wear the shirt because they know I’m coming. People who open the door and say absofuckinglutely.

So maybe I don’t need to work so hard at finding something to be grateful for.

Maybe I just need to pay attention.

Because today?

It was everywhere. 💜