I still mother them….

Sometimes I wonder how I can try so hard to do the right thing and still feel like it’s not good enough. I question what I said, what I did, what I could have done differently. And there are days when I feel like packing all my things in a bag and running away.

I don’t even know where I would go. Somewhere I could put everything down for a little while. Somewhere nobody needed an answer, an explanation, or one more thing from me. Because sometimes even the things you do with love get heavy.

I know I can’t make everybody happy. But knowing that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt when my best falls short. Sometimes I’m tired, and I don’t have another way to explain it or the energy to try.

Tonight, this is where I am. I don’t have a beautiful lesson to wrap around it. I’m giving myself permission to have a hard day without making it mean I’m failing. To leave a few things unanswered and let myself rest. I can care deeply and still need a minute.

If I live to be a million years old, I will never understand the people who always look for the bad in other people. Who assume everyone is out to hurt them, get something from them, or get one over on them. They give so much energy to people who couldn’t care less about them, while questioning the people standing right in front of them, trying to love them and show them kindness.

I try to step back and remind myself that maybe that person had a terrible childhood. Maybe their parents were abusive. Maybe they never had anyone who loved them unconditionally, and they don’t know how to trust it when someone does. I try to have compassion for that. But when you try to love them and all they do is find fault where there is none, it’s exhausting. Understanding where someone’s behavior might come from doesn’t make being on the receiving end hurt any less.

But as my therapist says, be grateful you don’t understand the unhappy and unloved people of the world. Be grateful that isn’t how you see everything and everyone.

And tonight, I am grateful. I know I’m loved. Even on the hard days, I have people who remind me of that. I don’t have to question every kindness or search for a hidden motive every time someone shows up for me.

Tonight, I’m glad I’m not one of those unhappy people. I just wish I didn’t know them.